The Slow and Painful Demise of Aerosmith?

It’s an unwritten rule that rock bands that are destined to withstand the test of time have certain elements:

1. a curious bromance between the singer and lead guitarist
(examples include, but are not limited to, Page & Plant and Bono & Edge)
*Bonus points are awarded if this bromance is highly volatile
(example:  Eddie Van Halen & David Lee Roth)

2. a eccentric front man
*Bonus points are awarded if the front man is known more for his stage presence than his actual voice

3. a cult-like following
*Bonus points are awarded if the following actually has a name

Indeed, Aerosmith fits these qualifications:

1. Joe Perry and Steven Tyler have a bromance tight enough to earn them the moniker The Toxic Twins.
*Volatility Bonus Points: not only because Joe Perry left the band in 1979, but because Perry’s first wife was the group’s very own Yoko Ono, thus creating further volatility.

 

2. Steven Tyler’s mouth makes him physically eccentric, but his inability to speak without both including a sexual innuendo and doing his own “la-ga-ga-ga-GOW!” version of a beat-box are contributing eccentricity factors as well.
*Stage Presence Bonus Points: because Leopard-Clad One is hailed as the Deamon of Screamin’…..not of Singin’.

3. If Aeroforce One (bonus points) isn’t enough of a cult-like following, then Wayne & Garth’s perpetual Aero-worship ought to do it.

Although it’s been in the tabloids for months now, and even the last issue of Rolling Stone includes an article on the band’s slow and painful demise, Aerosmith will prevail.  Steven will drape his mic stand in elaborate scarves, chase after young women, and film a reality show with Dr. Drew in between tours.  Joe will always test the limits of acceptable taste, rocking leather pants that leave less to the imagination than Steve Perry’s jeans did two decades ago...and we'll still find it oddly attractive.  Tom Hamilton’s hair will remain long and blond, failing to turn grey, perplexing beauticians and scientists for years to come.  Brad Whitford will forever look disproportionately older than the rest of the band, and Joey Kramer will continue to channel Matt Sorum for his “modern look”.  Yes, Aerosmith will prevail.

But that’s not to say it will happen without rehab.

To that end, I offer up a remix of 1994’s Cryin’.  My vision for what Steven would be singing were he to write his magnum opus in 2009.


Cryin’ (a remix, by Erin)

There was a time
When I was so broken hearted
Joe wasn’t much of a friend of mine
The tables have turned, yeah
‘Cause me and my band have parted
That kind of fall was the killin’ kind
Now listen!
All I want is a band called Aerosmith
I know all I need to know by the way that I got dissed

I was cryin’ when I read it
Now I’m tryin’ to forget it
Tabloids are sweet misery
I was cryin’ ‘cause I fell down
Now I’m dyin’ ‘cause I’m let down
Look what it's doin’ to me

Now there’s not even a phone call
Between old Toxic Twins
Yeah I’m back to my old habits
Must repent for my sins

It’s hard for me
Yeah I got to tell you one thing
You’ve been on my mind
Joe I gotta say
We’re partners in crime
We got that certain something
Your big Les Paul
Takes my breath away
Now the word out on the street:
A new singer’s on your list
If our band goes up in flames
It’s a fire I can’t resist

I was cryin’ when I mainlined
Will I live through it this time?
Needles are sweet misery
I’m still cryin’ for an embrace
It’s me you’re tryin’ to replace
Look what it's doin’ to me


I politely suggest Hazelden, Mr. Tyler.   Minnesota welcomes you.  (Again.)